Five People, Two Bedrooms

In the last few weeks, my little home has had a couple of visitors. I was so glad to have them here!

My dream home has at least one extra guest room. Preferably, it has a whole finished basement with a guest area and a private bathroom for guests. Some place far enough removed to give company some space to exist far from crying babies and midnight bottles.

My reality, though, is a cozy little two-bedroom apartment with an open living room/dining room/kitchen plan. In place of a spare bed, we have a couch. A couch that is right in front of the little hallway that leads to the bedrooms and bathroom, with a great view of nighttime lights for feeding and changing baby and the ideal location for hearing any and every little sound throughout the apartment and from the noisy park next door. Oh, and did I mention the evil cat that lurks around and hisses at people who try to get into the refrigerator or use the bathroom? (Note: She is not evil to our immediate family. Our children are not in danger. But if you come to our house, don't pet her. She's not trying to be friendly.)

It's tempting to look at our situation and think that we're not in a season to offer hospitality. I mean, really, having more than one child in our home is already pushing our limits space-wise.

But I am so blessed with incredible friends and family. They make it easy to give wholeheartedly out of what we have without feeling like our situation is lacking. Our two out-of-town visitors this month were both incredibly gracious and flexible about the tight space. They were so loving about our menu that varied from the incredibly well-planned one day, to the if-we-don't-eat-Little-Caesar's-we're-not-eating the next. They were so kind to continually offer help and love on our crazy little chaotic babes, who keep things busy, fun, unpredictable, and full of joy at all times. And they were so understanding of our schedules that require Josh to continue work as usual and me to duck out for foster related appointments and visits that are not flexible.

Thanks for the hours of playing David and Goliath, singing Jesus Freak, and "eating" rocks from Big Bro's Donut Shop, guys! You know who you are!

As if I wasn't already feeling super loved and pampered with all this family around, we had two people stop in last week just to help out. I so appreciated that. They made such a huge difference in a day that was full of (good) busyness that might have brought me awfully close to my limit without that extra support! And I always love to share our foster babes with the people in our lives. It is incredibly validating to us when people ooh and aah over them like the precious little treasures they are, even if they know they might only meet the babe once.

We have the most amazing family - both "biological" and "adopted" - in our lives. I am so grateful for the incredible people God has brought us together with. I know that my family could not do what we are doing without our incredible network of support.

I just want to say, I love you guys.

You're the best.

The List

Recently, I've been reading an ebook by Sarah Mae about housekeeping and the "why" behind it. It's not like me to read an ebook, but with late night feedings and my handy dandy iPad, it's become much more appealing lately.

One piece of advice that the book suggests is to pick those most important items that you want to accomplish tomorrow and list them out today. The author suggests six items for each day, and whatever doesn't get accomplished gets pushed to the top of the list tomorrow. You're supposed to do the tasks in order, and not move on until an item is actually entirely complete.

I thought this would be a great idea. I imagined this including items such as "Clean out the refrigerator" or "Make a set of freezer meals" or "Reorganize all the closets".

However... Adding a baby changes things quickly. I'm glad for the idea of the list. It has helped me to remember that my time is limited. It's a reminder that, painful or not, I need to realize that I will not accomplish everything I want to do today. The small size of the list- just six items!- is very humbling, especially because of what my list looks like these days, and how seldom I accomplish all six items.

However discouraging it might be to realize I can't do everything, it's also freeing. I won't do all that I want to do today. I can't do those things and be a good, attentive mommy. I can't practice flexibility or be available to feed a growth-spurting baby if I'm going to get all my mind's projects done. It's freeing to realize that, while I cannot do everything, planning ahead allows me to make the best possible decision, and then to own it.

Here's what I wish my list for today looked like:

1. Clean bathroom top to bottom. ASAP.
2. Plan out my menu and shopping list for this week's out-of-town guest.
3. Clean the microwave. (I can't even remember how long this has been on the list- but it's been a while.)
4. Clean the refrigerator. Overdue.
5. Vacuum. Big Brother A's helicopters and beans are taking over.
6. Write out letters to Big Brother A and Baby S documenting their development, preferences, and milestones. Include pictures.

Toddlers have an amazing ability to value every little thing. Unfortunately, they often feel the need to value them inside the house.

Some of these list items are very frequently on my mind. It would feel so good to get them done. I would love to have a visitor-ready house all the time, especially since foster care means people dropping in at a moment's notice - people who actually are judging for some basic level of cleanliness and put-together-ness in my home.

So that was the list I wanted for today. Realistically? Here's today's list:

1. Read my Bible. Preferably while children are relatively calm and/or sleeping.
2. Drink water. Don't get a dehydration headache (again) today.
3. Shower, even if it can't be till 4 pm.
4. Eat meals. Don't just feed children.
5. Do a load of laundry. (Twice now it has taken all day to get back and forth to the basement for a washer load and dryer load as I have to take both children with me. Yikes.)
6. Spend individual time with each child. Smile. Talk about God.

First of all, obviously, I'm not there yet with the linear priorities thing. I think of these items more as windows of time, and I'll pick one of them based on my best approximation of the window I might have for accomplishing something at the given moment.

I want to be in a place where the second (realistic) list is "the stuff I get done before starting my list for the day". But that is not where I am. I am two weeks into figuring out life as a family of four- again. Infants are demanding. Toddlers are - wow - demanding is not even the word for it.

But just when you're about to give up, they share one of their two beloved Oreos with you just because they love you.

My life is so full of joy. But I will forget the good things if I keep thinking I'm going to achieve all of my preferred list in one day.

So, today, I showered. I was seriously really proud of myself for being clean and dressed (with my teeth brushed!!) by 10 am. I read the Bible - to Big Brother A, at least. I actually ate lunch with a baby in a front carrier, rocking the whole time, so he wouldn't wake up and remember how sad he is today. The laundry is in progress. I started it at 7:30 am, so technically it's taken me longer than this before to get through a load. (Well, assuming I get back downstairs before Josh gets home.) And I have spent time with each child. That one is really important to me as they are both adjusting to our changing family.

And why, you might ask, am I writing a blog post instead of accomplishing something off of that first list? Because this baby will seriously wake up if I move wrong, and he needs sleep more than my bathroom needs cleaning. (If you saw my bathroom you would understand the seriousness of that last statement.)

All this just to say- I need the list, if only to remember that my time needs to be prioritized, and that I need to be realistic. Those other cleaning items really do need to get done. But right now, my family is in full-swing grace mode. We'll make it, and we'll fall into a rhythm eventually. While we're figuring it out, though, I'm going to continue to assess every moment based on my top priorities; make sure to take care of my own needs in order to be ready to pour out sacrificially into those around me; and try to wear my joy and my love for my family on my face, rather than the stress that tries to take over.

I want my family to think that I love serving them, because I do. I want them to think that they are worth sacrificing my ideal image of my home, because they are. And I want those toughest moments to be the ones where I wear my joy most obviously, because those are the moments I know that God is growing and stretching me to be closer to the Woman of God that I long to be.

Opportunity Cost

In economic theory, an opportunity cost is the cost of the second best option when there is a choice on how to use limited resources.

This is most obvious when we consider the limited resource that is our time. We have a limited amount of time that cannot be returned or repurposed once it is used up. There are no second hand shops to pick up used time and no way to magically grant yourself more time (in fact, the irony stands that most of our efforts to create more time in our lives, whether by exercise, changed eating habits, etc, are only nominally helpful in creating more time in our lives -- for there is actually time lost in accomplishing these tasks).

Now here is the grand question of opportunity cost that you need to ask yourself with every task.

What did I give up for this?

Because you did give something up. The choice to watch television, go for a walk, take a nap, hike a mountain, bike a trail, or write a book all came at the expense of something else. And our ability to multitask can only minimize that opportunity cost a small amount (and a lot of research suggests that humans are very poor multitaskers, as the final products of two tasks done at once are far worse than the same two products done in sequence). 

What did you give up for that hour of video gaming or television watching?

What could you have done instead of browsing social media?

What has gone undone because you are reading this post?

I'm not suggesting that television and social media are bad and I'm DEFINITELY NOT suggesting that reading this blog is bad. In fact, I think we should be assessing everything that takes our time, good or bad. 

Our hours our limited. The race is short. And I, for one, intend to do all I can for eternal gain, not for fleeting, temporal pleasure and self-glory. I will stumble along the way (wikipedia is my personal time sink). But I don't want to look back over my life and see an opportunity cost that far outweighed the choices I made with this one life.

My Prayer for Baby S

Baby #3 arrived in our home last Tuesday.

He's sweet, a little sad, and, as the nurse described him, "a tank". He has not struggled with weight gain and is not underweight. He is for the most part a healthy, normal 8-week-old boy.

When Baby M left our home, we mourned him hard. When Baby Z left, we mourned him even more, knowing how physically fragile he was and not knowing how well he would be cared for. Each time, we told ourselves that we would not have done anything differently. We would not have chosen to love them less in order to lessen our pain on their leaving.

Sometimes I fear that we will lose that attitude. I was afraid that we would not love Baby S as much as we loved our other babes. With each baby's departure, I become more aware that each moment of bonding and loving them will make the pain more intense when they leave.

It brings me joy to find that there is no way not to love these little ones. That first time that they peek open their eyes just to make sure it's you before they snuggle in closer, you can't help but love them. When you notice they smile a little more for you than for someone else, you can't help but love them. When you learn painful pieces of their past and see how they've grown and thrived anyway, you can't help but love them. When you find yourself becoming the expert on how best to care for them and what makes them happiest, you know that you've started down the Mommy road and there's no going back.

Oh, the baby hands. God just makes these little ones so irresistibly cute. And do you see the adorable chunk on those cheeks?

My ability to bond and love foster sons has not yet changed. If it ever does, that will be the day we will have to reconsider foster care. Until that day, I'm going to love them despite the pain and sacrifice involved, because that's what my Jesus does for me, and I want to be just like him.

What is changing is my prayer for these babes. I get tired of what feels like constant hellos and goodbyes. I desire to pour into one child long term. But I also want to meet each of these kids where they are and be the person who can meet their needs while their futures are up in the air.

I had the awesome privilege for the first time with Baby S of meeting a birth mom. I have had a chance to see how much this baby is loved, and it is helping me to be able to pray more whole-heartedly for reunification and healing for Baby S's family. My prayer has been steadily evolving from "Lord, heal his family but really let me be his mommy, because I'll take good care of him," to "God, please, no matter where he goes, let him have a heart that loves you and people to teach him about you with their words and the way they love him."

I was snuggling Baby S while I was reading from my Bible yesterday, and I came across a beautiful verse at the end of Psalm 138 that I've adopted as my prayer for little Baby S:

"The Lord will work out his plans for my life--for your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever. Don't abandon me, for you made me."
Psalm 138:8 (NLT)

The ESV footnote paraphrases the verse this way: "As God has begun to care for me, so he will finish the job all my life long." No matter who is parenting my foster sons, God is faithful, and he will not leave them. I pray that he would walk with my babes, care for them, and love them forever, no matter where they go.

Picking Berries and Counting Costs

Last week, my family had the awesome privilege to "rent" a cottage for the blessedly low price of next to nothing. I cannot begin to express how much that meant to us, as we're on a pretty tight budget right now. Amazing.

We had the perfect week: Berry picking. Lighthouse tours. Kiddie rides at Olcott Beach Carousel Park. A trip to the beach. Swimming in the lake. Kayaking. Campfires. Barbecue. Way too many delicious snacks. Bubbles. Trains. And a hundred other things.

RIGHT before we left- and I mean bags are packed, hours from leaving, eating lunch out to celebrate my birthday - we got the call that we've been waiting for so (im)patiently. Would we take a 1-day-old brand-new baby boy?

We had to make a decision. We were willing to take the baby with us, but they said we couldn't bring him out of county, even just 40 minutes away from home. So they decided for us - no baby. They'd find a different home. "You deserve vacation too," they said. The call was only as a backup precaution (they were out checking on a relative who was interested in taking him), so we could have cancelled our vacation, only to get a call the next day that the baby wasn't coming into care. The baby was placed  with another backup family within minutes (we know; we called back to make sure they really truly couldn't make it work).

All this to say - our vacation came at a cost. It required a decision. And I think that was good for us.

We have gotten mixed feedback on our vacation-over-baby choice. I get it. We're so excited for foster care; wouldn't we drop everything for a (maybe coming into care, probably not, could leave within the next week even if we got him; or could stay forever) baby?

And we do drop everything when they come to our home. Our lives change drastically, in an instant. Routines are shifted, rules are changed, and roles have to be re-defined. It takes a lot of energy, strength, and commitment.

Ultimately, we cannot be a good foster family unless we are a good family. We need chances to enjoy time together. Ministry work requires a lot of Josh's time. We have made a choice that our family time needs to be intentional, committed time, and that we will take our "less" time and make it "more" by pouring our all into it. So far, I think our whole-hearted all-in family days have been better quality time than what we used to get, even if the quantity is a bit lacking in comparison. But, that being said, we were craving quantity. We needed vacation.

Of course, even if we weren't a ministry family, we can't put our lives on hold during the wait. We have learned this over and over again in various situations: waiting to be married, waiting to have our first baby, waiting to get a house (still in that one). God calls us to be invested in the now. We will absolutely be as flexible and invested as we can be regarding foster care, and we will reasonably limit the amount of time we are unavailable, but we will not wait to continue living until we have a foster baby. Big Brother A is here today, and he is worth pouring into and planning for and celebrating, regardless of whether he is actively a big brother or effectively an only child. And our marriage does not go on hold or become less important just because we only have one child.

We thoroughly enjoyed our vacation. It took a couple of days to stop thinking about the what-ifs. But ultimately, knowing that our vacation came with a cost made it all the more important to treasure every moment.

We came back refreshed, relaxed, and ready to take on the world again. Our son has a lot of great memories of family time to carry with him, and he got to connect with his Daddy in an amazing way. I do not regret our decision. I will cherish the memory of our beautiful week at the cottage as a little family of three.

And, of course, I'm hoping and praying that next time we get a foster care call, we can say "yes!"