It's a Boy!

We had our second home visit this Friday. It went great, and our case worker had some encouraging words for us.

We also learned that it's been decided for sure: We are going to be open to only boys.

There are rules about rooming foster kids. Children over 4 years old cannot be in a room with a child of the opposite gender. Since we're in a two bedroom apartment with no guarantee of a bigger place by the time Aaron turns 4, the safest thing for us to do is to take in only boys. It would be just terrible to have a little girl grow as part of our family and then have to move her to a different family when Aaron turns 4. Being open only to boys avoids this potential disaster for a little girl in our home.

This is exciting in a lot of ways. The idea of Aaron having a little brother to play with is pretty great. They can share clothes, toys, and hopefully some of the same interests. Of course, we were a little excited thinking of little pink things and bows and ribbons and new experiences; but we're hoping to be in this for years to come, and we'll have other opportunities for a little girl in our family. But for now...

It's a boy!

What foster care doesn't mean - Part 2

This is Part 2 of my attempt to dispel some confusion about foster care. You can read the first part here. My goal is to explain some of our motivations for stepping into foster care and to respond to some of the more common questions, thoughts, and myths that seem to appear again and again as we share with others and as we read online.

Here are some things foster care doesn't mean.

It doesn't mean we don't understand the risks and the pain...

When we mention foster care and our desire to eventually adopt children out of the system, people usually respond with concern about a number of perceived (and accurate) difficulties. They are usually concerned about the influence of foster children on our son (I addressed this in the previous post). But they are also frequently concerned about the behavioral, social, physical, and psychological needs that accompany these children.

I promise you, we understand the risks. We've discussed what might come. We've talked through some worst-case scenarios. We've cried for children that aren't even in our home yet. We have no experience, but we've taken every opportunity to learn, read and try to understand the hurt that we will inevitably experience.

Most of the kids in the system have been removed from their homes. For some of them, the removal was initiated because of abuse to the children directly. Some come with a history of sexual or physical abuse. Many of them are years behind their peers developmentally because they didn't have an environment conducive to natural development. The very act of thrusting them into our home will be another shift that will cause pain, frustration, guilt, and fear for these children.

We are aware and we are ready for this pain. We will have a (figuratively) messy family and a (literally) messy home.

It doesn't mean we are better than anyone else...

Foster care is not our attempt to look sacrificial or to appear more holy than anyone else. We have been overwhelmed and convicted over the last year or so to forego growing our family biologically and pursue opportunities to reflect God's grace through the fostering and adopting of children without a home. This conviction led to this decision, but we recognize that it is not the best decision for every family. I will do my best to be respectful to the choices other families make, all the while trying to gently encourage Christians to consider opening their home to foster care and adoption as a means to alleviate suffering in the world while reflecting God's adoption of us into His spiritual family.

Foster care also doesn't mean that we are better than the parents of these children. Most of the children that move through our home will not stay. Our home will be a retreat, a place of rest, a place of growth, and a chance at normalcy before they return to their biological family. In an ideal world, parents would provide a nurturing home for their children and there would never be a reason for an outside group to remove them. But we live in a fallen world and sometimes these children need a temporary home that is safe from some of the damaging consequences of sin. In this situation, the best thing that can happen is for complete reconciliation -- that families would be reunited and that parents would come to a place where they can bring their kids back home to a safe environment.

But as we bring kids into our home, it will be hard not to see the parents as "the enemy". We will have to constantly fight against our prideful belief that our home is better than the one they came from and might return to. If a child is freed for adoption, we will advocate hard for them to stay with us, but as long as the opportunity still exists for a child to return to their biological home, we will pray for those parents and do our best to support them as they attempt to reunite with their children and be parents. Adoption is a second-best option in a world where the best possible option, healthy natural families, is simply not a reality for every home.

Thank you!

Thank you to all of our wonderful friends who read our post An Update and a Silly Way to Help and responded. We got feedback almost immediately, and we are so appreciative of your love and support!

We now have some of each diaper sized newborn through size 5. Each person who offered something offered a different size. Amazing! And some kind friends also passed along their bottles for our use.

Thank you Leanne, Emily, Nate, Gretchen, and Chris! It seems like a little thing, but having these diapers in hand is so exciting and makes me feel more ready to welcome any baby into our home. You have been a blessing to our family!

An Update and a Silly Way to Help

Hi Friends!

Josh and I have made lots of progress in getting ready for little "Foster Baby". It's a little complicated at times thinking through what it means to be ready when we could have boy or girl, at any stage from newborn-leaving-the-hospital through... well... however close to Aaron's age we let them talk us into.

We were given a second dresser for Foster Baby and have freed up 1/2 of the closet space in the Nursery. Our homefinding social worker had requested that we do these things, so this was an immediate priority. We even have a growing collection of emergency clothes. I've tried to get a few clothing items for each age range to keep readily accessible. We may pick up a child who literally has nothing but the clothes on their back (which might not even fit right), and we need to have enough to last until we can go shopping. Of course, we have baby boy clothes hanging around, but our social worker hinted that we might want to find some pink for our emergency closet, too. And I also wanted some cute going-home outfits in case we do bring home a new baby. We want that child to have the same special photos and memories that we tried to make for A.

As we mentioned before, we have a bed for A. That frees up the crib for Foster Baby. That's another requirement before we can start foster care, so that was an exciting bit of progress. I even dug up a bottle (a single bottle!) so that we can serve formula in a pinch. We'll probably have to expand that collection a bit.

We have an awesome babysitter lined up to watch A during our classes. That was a huge answer to prayer. He was super happy about hanging out with her and went to bed just fine for her last week. It's so helpful knowing he's in good hands and allows us to really focus on our classes.

How you can be praying for us:

• Getting all of the homework and paperwork done can be a bit overwhelming. Josh works a lot of hours and, well, I'm just not used to homework anymore. The paperwork tends to be composed of thought questions, scenarios, and self-assessment, all to be answered in paragraph format, so it's a lot of writing. Pray that we'd give Biblical and meaningful answers even when our hands (and heads) are killing us.
• Please pray that we'd continue to grow and learn and prepare ourselves and A, so that we'd be ready for what's ahead.

How you can help:
We have a kind of silly task that we'd like to accomplish. We'd love to have a couple of each size diaper on hand to last us until we can get to the store. We're really not up for buying a bag of each size of diaper when we might not use it! So if you know of a place that sells 3-4 packs, let us know! And if not, if you have a few diapers you might be willing to contribute, that would be awesome. We have size 4 and 5 already.

And... Token pumpkin patch picture for 2013:

Classes Begin

Josh and I attended our first of 10 classes for our foster care certification last night. They're 3 hours long, and our session is packed full of awesome people looking to extend their family through foster care. I'm so excited to get to know these people better. I hope some of them can be part of our long-term support network.

Just to clarify- these are not "classes" in the typical sense. This is what our "MAPP/GPS" course title stands for:

Model Approach to Partnerships in Parenting / Group Preparation & Selection

What does that mean? It means that we don't automatically get certified because we attended the class. We're supposed to get as much information- as much hard truth- as we can from the courses, and then decide whether we're ready for foster care. They "aren't trying to scare you, but..." It's important that we make an informed decision, for the sake of consistency for kids. The social workers absolutely want to weed out anyone who might only last for a couple of weeks, putting a child/children through a whole extra round of adjustments. So, at the same time as we're analyzing our family and making our decision, our trainers are monitoring our homework, responses, and participation to decide whether to select us for foster care.

The class content was neat. There was some helpful information about how to use kids' behaviors to figure out what their needs are and how we can help them cope by using their own strengths. These kids won't be sitting down and explaining their problems; they're going to act out, and we need to be ready to respond in love, and grace, in a way that will help them sort through their hurts and learn how to help themselves. There were some video testimonies from foster parents, foster/adopted kids, and biological parents of fostered children. You can fit a lot of info into a 3-hour session, and we covered a lot.

One of the biggest impacts on me, though, was not the course itself- it was my first glimpse into the building where our class was held. It's the combined Visitation Center and Pediatrician's Office for our county's foster care. Theoretically, we'll be frequenting this building, as we're required to use this pediatrician's office for foster kids (this provides them with awesome consistency and doctors experienced with their situations), and most children will have scheduled visits with their bio parents and possibly even siblings. What amazed me was the level of security at this place. Metal detectors, purse search, card-swipe locks on the stairways and doors... I should have probably expected that (I can imagine all sorts of scenarios where that might be necessary) but I just didn't. Somehow, though, they managed to still make the actual visiting area look kid friendly. I'm pretty impressed with the level of thought the county puts into every. single. decision. for these kids. And this was another heavy reminder about the kinds of situations these kids are facing.